I am no longer standing at a crossroads. I've made my decision. And I am scared.
It is a surreal experience to end a marriage. From the moment I realized that I could no longer live with and love the man I've known for 16 years, I suddenly began free floating in uncertainty, fear and confusion.
It is a surreal experience to end a marriage. From the moment I realized that I could no longer live with and love the man I've known for 16 years, I suddenly began free floating in uncertainty, fear and confusion.
I say "suddenly" but the reality of making a decision to leave a marriage is rarely ever "sudden" -- it was an excruciatingly slow process for me -- a process filled with years of deep denial, as well as unmistakable moments of awareness. It has been a long process of conscious acts of avoidance and, finally, slow steps toward the ultimate truth.
I am standing at the start of a rocky path of which I see no end. No light at the end of the tunnel. I need to take the first step, but I am scared. The path is straight but the landmines are hidden. Ambivalence seems to be my only companion right now:
I am standing at the start of a rocky path of which I see no end. No light at the end of the tunnel. I need to take the first step, but I am scared. The path is straight but the landmines are hidden. Ambivalence seems to be my only companion right now:
"Are you sure you are doing the right thing?" she asks as we stare down the mysterious path.
"Go away," I tell her.
"But are you sure?" she persists.
"Yes, I am sure." I say. "He will not change."
"Are you sure?"
I turn to her -- this figure of my doubt and uncertainties -- and I ask: "Will I ever be sure?"
We turn our attention to the path ahead.
"I don't know," she says.
I am scared as I begin this journey -- this evolution of my spirit. I don't want to walk alone -- to hesistently shuffle around jagged stones and hidden pieces of broken glass -- as my inner voice questions each of my steps.
Be my companion on this journey. Let me know that I am not alone.
At this moment, I can not see the end of this path and I can only hope that some day I will see light.
K
I am scared as I begin this journey -- this evolution of my spirit. I don't want to walk alone -- to hesistently shuffle around jagged stones and hidden pieces of broken glass -- as my inner voice questions each of my steps.
Be my companion on this journey. Let me know that I am not alone.
At this moment, I can not see the end of this path and I can only hope that some day I will see light.
K
You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteYour decision to change your path shows that you have strengh beyond what others have. You will find happiness again and you will find peace with your decision, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong. Beleive in yourself and take of you.
I can't imagine what you are going though right now as I have never been in such a long relationship with someone, but I can tell you that hurt is universal....and I have felt more then my share of that. Starting all over again is something extreamly hard to do and even harder to do more then once. You have to remember that you can do it and you will.
Just because your marriage didn;t work out doesn't mean that you will never find love again. It just means the love that you had wasn't the right one for your story. So you will find it again. If you are strong enough to start over again.....you will find your path and continue to write your story of life.
Believe in yourself.....
You are smart to express and reflect as well as you do. You are at the hardest part of the journey...the beginning. Your inner voice is also your angel watching over you...listen to it, don't ignore it or drown it out, listen and as you do well reflect. The world loves you and once you accept and forgive it for it's realities you will love it once again.
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