The Evolution Begins

I am no longer standing at a crossroads. I've made my decision. And I am scared.

It is a surreal experience to end a marriage. From the moment I realized that I could no longer live with and love the man I've known for 16 years, I suddenly began free floating in uncertainty, fear and confusion.

I say "suddenly" but the reality of making a decision to leave a marriage is rarely ever "sudden" -- it was an excruciatingly slow process for me -- a process filled with years of deep denial, as well as unmistakable moments of awareness. It has been a long process of conscious acts of avoidance and, finally, slow steps toward the ultimate truth.

I am standing at the start of a rocky path of which I see no end. No light at the end of the tunnel. I need to take the first step, but I am scared. The path is straight but the landmines are hidden. Ambivalence seems to be my only companion right now:

"Are you sure you are doing the right thing?" she asks as we stare down the mysterious path.

"Go away," I tell her.

"But are you sure?" she persists.

"Yes, I am sure." I say. "He will not change."

"Are you sure?"

I turn to her -- this figure of my doubt and uncertainties -- and I ask: "Will I ever be sure?"

We turn our attention to the path ahead.

"I don't know," she says.

I am scared as I begin this journey -- this evolution of my spirit. I don't want to walk alone -- to hesistently shuffle around jagged stones and hidden pieces of broken glass -- as my inner voice questions each of my steps.

Be my companion on this journey. Let me know that I am not alone.

At this moment, I can not see the end of this path and I can only hope that some day I will see light.

K