Joie de Vivre - Joy of Life

I am scared. It is time. I can no longer continue to live a lie. To give my son's father false hope so as to ease the transition from separation to divorce. I realize now that I am only fooling myself. There is no easy transition. It will be chaos. It will be scary. It will be the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced.

I have now tasted freedom. I feel my injured spirit awakening -- my joie de vivre -- my joy of life is returning. And I want more of it. I want to feel fully, completely, joyfully, fearlessly. I want to taste the energy of love and dance with abandon under the moon. I want to fully love myself and others. I want to feel fearless.

I will not carry his guilt any longer. I will no longer attempt to ease his pain by carrying his shadow on my shoulders. He must feel his own loss, his own guilt, his own pain. And I must learn to feel my pain, to feel my own guilt for allowing such chaos in my and my son's lives.

I am scared of the crazy times ahead. I got a taste of it yesterday -- the intensity of his anger, the suspicions, the blame, the name calling, the manipulation and the need by him to control. It is all done with such subtly as to make me wonder if it is all within my imagination. Regardless, I did feel the light of my spirit dimming in his shadow. I have often thought that sometimes, in abusive situations, a woman's only defense at the moment is to curl up and self-protect and just wait until the attack is over. But those are the thoughts of a victim. I am not a victim. I have the power to stop this chaos. As a dear friend recently said, "you've had the power all along."

The time has come for me to severe the ties completely. It is time for me to face the shadows and the intensity of the anger that I have feared for so very long. I realize now that if I am ever to experience the loving intimacy that my heart so desperately craves I must let go of my shadows.

And I will do it. I will face the darkness so that I may soon feel the light. I will do it pour la joie de vivre -- for the joy of life.