Walking in the dark

I have dreaded this moment. Being alone. Being in the middle of this tunnel, surrounded by blackness. Allowing the pain, the fears, the loss to envelop me.

And yet it is my choice. I choose to be alone this weekend. My son's father is with him until Sunday.
I could have distracted myself -- easily. But I would still be in the tunnel next week. Distraction comes in many forms -- lovers, alcohol, activities, drugs, shopping -- anything that diverts one's attention.. allowing the broken hearted to escape from the shadows, from the pain, from the loss. I've done them all before and it never works. The pain creeps in eventually. I don't want that anymore. I want to be free. I want to love again -- to love purely and with trust.

So I made a choice yesterday. I stopped running. I am in the tunnel and I am feeling. I have been told that if I feel this pain that somehow, some crazy, insane way that walking through this tunnel alone is going to make me stronger. God, how I want to be stronger. How I want to feel confident in my actions. How I want to stand on my own two feet with out the crutch of another person. But it is so scarey to be alone.

With each word that I type, I sob.