Dancing ghosts

The ghosts are dancing in my head.

These ghosts hold up mirrors to my face and hauntingly whisper, "look at yourself, look at your darkside, look at your faults." I turn my head. I don't want to see. I don't want to look. It is too painful. They lovingly whisper, "do not run, do not hide, look, look, learn, learn..."

I often refuse to look. I distract myself with people, work, activities and mindless-thought chatter. But the ghosts keep dancing in my head. In the stillness of the night, they twirl and they sway to their own soundless, hypnotic music. They swirl around my consciousness holding up their mirrors. They will not go away until I look at my reflection.

And so, on nights when the distraction becomes too tiring and the whispers of the ghosts becomes too loud, I stop, I take a deep breath and I look into their mirrors. At first glance, I always turn my head away. It is painful to see my dark side. But I know I must look so I slowly turn my head back.

In these mirrors I see my weaknesses -- my insecurities, my insatiable need to be loved and my vunerabilities. I see my lack of enforcing emotional boundaries and I see my fears of being alone. I see my sadness, my injuries, my pains.

When I take the time and garner the strength to really look at myself, I see that ultimately there is no one to blame for my current situation. This is a difficult reality for anyone to face.

When one is dealing with a separation and/or divorce, it is easy to point a finger at the other and say, "it is your fault. You did this. You did that. You are the reason for my pain."

Who can blame us broken hearted for wanting to point a finger at the spouse who drinks or gambles away our home and our savings account; or the spouse who chooses to lie, decieve and push us and our children aside to have an extra-marital affair or the spouse who deals with daily frustrations, stress and anger by physically, emotionally or verbally attacking the one person who has always loved and cherished them?

Who can blame us for wanting to point the finger? How can WE be to blame for another's addiction, issues with anger or decision to have sex or fall in love with another person while still married?

The reality is that we are not to blame for their actions -- whether that action is drinking too much, cheating or expressing their anger with verbal attacks or physical blows. We are not to blame for their insecurities, their weaknesses or their often-distorted views about life.

But if we are committed to not repeating the same mistake, we must look deeply and critically at ourselves. We must face those ghosts that dance in the stillness of the nights.

It is not easy task. It is painful. But I know for myself to move on and to become whole that I must look at myself and the roles I played that contributed to where I am today. If I am ever to experience true love, I must look at how my own need for approval, how my own low self-esteem and how my own weaknesses likely contributed to my current situation. I must face these dark sides of my soul and work on making their influences weaker in my life. I must do the work. I must face the mirrors.

And it is not only the night ghosts that hold these mirrors. If we look and listen closly, we will see that the people who truly love us are also mirror holders. They may be our siblings, our cousins or our friends but it is the ones who listen closly and non-judgementally to our cries who also subtly and compassionately hold up mirrors to our souls. Like the dancing ghosts we often ignore them, but because they love us they do not stop trying to help us see.

I am blessed and grateful to have several people in my life, including those who read this blog and write such helpful e-mails in response, who are so compassionately and tenderly helping me to see my faults so that I do not repeat them with another.

I am looking at my shadows. It is not easy. And I often turn my head away. But I am looking. I am dancing with my ghosts in the stillness of the night and I am learning.. slowly, painfully and joyously learning.