First day alone -- I survived.

It is 12:41 a.m. as I write this post. I have survived my first day alone.

I had made a committment yesterday that I was going to stop running and be still with my fears, my loneliness, my pain and my anguish.

The first day is over. It was hard. I cried most of the morning. Deep sobs. The tears are not new. I have been crying almost everyday since January when I filed for legal separation. I've heard that tears are the ice melting from your heart. The wall of ice around my heart must be mighty thick.

By 1 p.m. today I felt drained. No more tears. I got out of bed.

By 3 p.m. I was bored. I wanted distraction. I considered calling my friends, finding a last-minute social outing or going shopping. I did none of these things. I stayed within my loneliness. I felt bored, I felt anxious, I felt lonely. I screwed around on Facebook and eventually went to the gym, But I did not avoid my feelings. I worked out until I started to cry -- song on my IPod set me off. The loneliness is so hard.

But I am committed to walk through this tunnel. I made it through the first day. I did it. I did it. I did it. I survived.