Running toward wholeness

As with every major life passage there is always a beginning.

My journey toward wholeness started long before I ever considered divorcing my husband.

It started several years ago with one of the most typical desires of women. I wanted to lose weight.

I had tried every diet - low carb, high protein, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Nutrisystem. Nothing worked. But really, how could they work? I ate my pain away every day. Food was my comfort. I ate to numb my hurt, my sadness, my anger. My body ballooned. I hid behind my fat. Men did not look at me. And that was fine with me. I was a wife and a new mom. My attention went to my son and my husband. I let myself go. And I hated it. I hated my body. My weight only added to my depression, my isolation, my insecurities.

And so it wasn't really surprising that one day, while in the library, I decided to hunt for a book that would help cure me of this problem with my weight, poor body image, emotional eating. Yes, my transformations usually start with a book.

On this day, I was wanting to take one more stab at conquering my lack of control with food. I was looking for the "magic" weightloss book. I just needed a book to tell me the perfect diet. Tell me what to eat on Sunday through Saturday, breakfast, lunch and dinner. I knew I had a problem with food -- using it as my emotional crutch. So I needed a book to address this issue. Find the book and solve the problem. Sounded so easy. So there I was in the library.

But I didn't find a book on dieting that day, although there were many. I ended up pulling a book that was about exercising. It was an old book but it had been on the bestseller list for many years. The author is now famous and has written several other books. But it was his first book that inspired so many people, including, as it turned out, myself.

The book was "Make the Connection: Ten Steps to a Better Body -- And A Better Life" by Bob Greene. He was the personal trainer to Oprah Winfrey. Now, I had heard of this book and of this man who was totally about fitness. I had seen the Oprah episodes where people parade around telling how they followed his advice and dropped 50, 100, 150 pounds. Yeah right. Not that I didn't believe their stories but I didn't hold much stock in some health nut helping me. Nonetheless, I started reading the book while standing in the narrow aisles of the book shelves. The book started with Oprah telling her story of her struggle with weight. She wrote so honestly and boldly of her addiction to food and how she used it to numb her fears and pain. I related.

I don't remember all that Bob Greene said in the book except to just start walking. Simple. Nothing complicated. Nothing hard. Just start walking. Walk for 15 minutes. That's it. No more. Just 15 minutes for three days. Then add five more minutes for the next three days. Then quicken your pace. Jog. Just a little bit. And don't worry about the food. Just start walking. Just start jogging. Just start running.

And so I did. And those first few steps were truly the beginning of this journey.

For it was in those first few steps that I began to get stronger. It did not take long for me to start running. I don't know why his words inspired me so -- maybe I was just ready. But his words pushed me. They told me that I could do it. They told me not to give up. And do I didn't. I started running and running and running. I never changed my diet. The running may have started with a desire to lose weight but it quickly became about gaining strength. Five months later, upon the urging of my brother-in-law, I decided to participate in the Long Beach triathalon -- I signed up with the Athena Women, this is the division for the overweight women. I was so scared that day. I was so, so scared. But when the whistle blew, I ran into the water. I laughed and ran with all these beautiful, fearless women. I swam in the cold, choppy water. Feet smacked me the face. When my feet would smack another person's arms, legs or face, I would apologize and say "I'm sorry." Oh my God, how I laughed in the middle of this crazy race. I felt joyous. And after the swimming was done, I ran out of the water and I was laughing with such pride and joy. My sister-in-law took a photo which I will cherish forever. I felt so free in that moment.

For the next year, following the triathalon, I ran in 5k races each month.. one a month for a year... I had set the goal for myself. I'm not a good runner. I don't like to race. I plod along. I don't care if I come in last. I just care that I cross the finish line.

It was a year and half ago that I decided to enroll in a weight-lifting class at my local community college. I was 43, still overweight and now lifting weights among 20-something kids. I didn't care. I felt my strength growing. I also seriously started looking at my life. I didn't like what I saw. But now I was strong enough to begin doing something about it.

Today, I was running along the beach and thinking about how exercise had so quietly become a part of my life. Eventually, all the running and weightlifting did change my body. And I did learn more about nutrition. I do not deprive myself of any foods. If I indulge, it's okay. I exercise. When it comes to food, I mainly just ask myself now, "Am I hungry?" If I am hungry, I eat. If am not hungry, I don't. Simple. I'm not perfect at it but it works for me.

Exercise did change my body but, more importantly, it helped changed my confidence. I walk with my head a little higher and my back a little straighter now. Men look at me and that is nice. It makes me feel good. I still cast my eyes down because that is me. I am shy. But now I secretly smile. I am 45 years old now and I am stronger than I was in my 20s (don't have the body I had in my 20s but I can't expect miracles :-) both in body and in spirit.

Exercise gives me the strength to endure life's stuggles and to survive my current journey through this dark, painful tunnel. The muscles in my arms help me pound the walls of this tunnel when I am angry, angry, angry. The muscles in my stomach contract when I sob from the depth of pain that I feel over the loss of the dreams that I once held so dear. The strength in my legs keep me moving through the darkness.

I do not know the length of this tunnel or what seedy rats lurk in its underbelly. I do not know when I will find myself sprinting toward the light or tip toeing blindly in the blackness. I do not know what this tunnel has in store for me. But I do know that I am stronger because of exercise.

Strengthen the body and the mind will follow.