Frozen in Fear

Today, I feel frozen in fear.

I am feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities that lay before me. I am scared of failing. I find myself refusing to take the first step in any direction because I don't know which way to go. I feel like a failure today because I am not keeping it all together. I am ashamed of my weakness.

Sometimes, I need help. But I am afraid to ask for help. I am afraid I will appear too needy. My friends will tire of my neediness. Besides, what help can others give me? This is my own process. These are my own tears, my own anguish, my own fears, my own fucking grief.

I am afraid that I will drive people away with my pain. People prefer the smiling and strong Kim. They like the powerful, carefree and spirited Kim. Not the Kim who sits here on this unmade bed crying with each letter that she types. This Kim that is too weak and too frightened to get out of her goddamn house.

Who have I become? Who is this weak, scared woman. Go away. Go away. Go away. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

How long will the burning in my heart lasts? How long will I feel confused and frightened? Will I ever be consistently happy? Will I ever be solidified in my love for another? Or will I always have doubt? Will I ever find lasting, daily peace and love? Am I asking too much from myself and from life?

I should be outside sweeping the back patio and preparing it for summer. I should be on my way to the hospital to volunteer in the NICU (something that I have enjoyed doing for more than a year now); I should finish the divorce paperwork. I should clean my house, sweep the floor, take a shower, put the laundry away, mop the floor, look for a job, clean up the dog shit on the side of the house, open my own checking account, plant the packets of sunflower seeds that I bought a couple days ago. But I am overwelmed.

And I am so deeply ashamed of my weakness that I am doing nothing. I am embarrassed that I am sitting in my bedroom and crying. My friends and family think I am busy, busy, busy. I am alone. I am afraid.

I am now feeling an urge to push back... to push away those who love me because I am ashamed. I don't want to but if I lean on them too much they will eventually tire and turn their backs on me. And that will hurt. So, I want to isolate myself. But I know I can't do that for long. I need people. I have good friends who care. It is just so hard to be so confused, so vunerable, so easily crackable.

I don't want anyone to know how scared I am inside.

I am sobbing as I write this and wondering what people would think if they saw me so weak.