Failed rescue

We all have dark sides. I looked at very, very dark side of myself that I was not fully aware of until today. Not easy.

I told someone I deeply care about that they had an issue with being a rescuer. They didn’t appreciate me telling them what "their issue" was. “Tell me what doesn’t work for you not what you think is wrong with me,” he said. I heard him. I understood what he said and I agreed. It is a good lesson to learn.

But today, in my quest to understand what I still thought was part of our problem, I began researching the role of rescuers in relationships.

It turned out, much to my surprise, that every, single article I read was about ME! I was shocked to learn that I am a rescuer. I've known for a while now that part of why my 17-year marriage ended was because I took on my husband's emotions. We had a well-honed dance of rescuing eachother.

When he felt hurt, frustrated, sad, whatever emotion, he turned his feelings into angry. He threw his anger at me -- verbally with sharp words and constant critisims. I didn't walk away. I took it from him. I internalized it. I believed his words. I wanted to make everything okay. I wanted him to not feel hurt, to not feel pain. I thought it was good, loving act -- one that showed my devotion as a wife.

And he rescued me from my feelings of insecurities and abandonment and fear.

But it was only this week that I found out that there is a heavy price to pay in rescuing another from the trials they must face and the emotions they must feel. I learned today that relationship rescuers have upspoken contracts. I learned today that, often unconsciously, releationship rescuers feel that the person they are rescuing is indebted to them. I learned today that my love for men has not been unconditional. I feel such shame right now as begin to absorbe this new knowledge.

Relationship rescuers often want the person they are rescueing to recipricate in the future with a similar rescue-saving act.

"I will save her from her fears," the rescuer thinks. "And later, she will nurture my insecurities."

"I will nurture his broken heart and later he will protect me from my fears of abandonment."

"I will give her my heart, my wisdom and my strength and she will never ever hurt me."

These exchanges are never spoken outloud and neither party knows the debt that they owe their rescuer.

It is only when the rescuer's debt is not paid that all hell breaks out.

A man decides he wants to hang out with his friends for a night. His rescueing girlfriend would be alone. She starts to panic. She starts to form scenarios in her head. "He does't love me anymore." "He is bored with me." "Why does he really want to go out without me." "Wait, I thought he was my boyfriend." "What the fuck, he's being an asshole." "He's probably screwing around with someone." "OMG, he's having an affair." "I'm such a loser."

The rescuer is dumbfounded as to why the person they so "lovingly" helped, so "selflessly" saved did not keep their end of the bargain.

The rescuer switches to the victim role. During a situation when the rescuer's victim is expected to pay his debt but he or she doesn't, the rescuer feels intense feelings of betrayal, abandonment and heartbreak.

The rescuer feels confused. I gave him my body. I gave him my heart. Why didn't he protect me from my lonliness or my fears? He left me alone. I must not be good enough. I didn't do a good enough job. Or maybe, she no longer needs me. She has outgrown me. She wants him and not me.

Learning this lesson of being a rescuer and/or choosing a rescuer as a mate has been tough for me. Even though I know this contract of saving and being saved has been all done unconsciously and without awareness, it is humbling now as I become aware that I have put a price on my love. And it is equally sad to think that others have done the same with their love for me.

But the wonderful thing about awareness is that it is the starting point for growth and for change.