Finding peace with my shadows

The fight is over. I am waving a white flag.

Nearly all of my life I have been battling my shadows -- trying to rid myself of my insecurities, my fears of loss and my issues with trust.

For too many years, I have fought with these shadows.. get out, get out, get out!

I have gone to seminars, workshops, support groups, therapists and read countless self-help books hoping to become fearless, trustful and accepting of the future. And in many ways, all this work has helped. I would not be where I am had I not been willing to look at myself, my faults, and my issues.

And yet, I have been confused as to why these shadows of insecurities, distrust and fear of loss sill stalk me. Not every day, not every hour. But often unexpectedly they suddenly appear -- when buttons are pushed, old wounds are reopened or memories are suddenly rekindled.

It seems my shadows want only to grab the steering wheel of my life. They think they are protecting me. But in reality, I am realizing that my insecurities, my distrust, my fears of loss can distort my perception of events, of myself and of others. They can steal my happiness. They can rob me of feeling joy. They can rob me of feeling true intimacy.

And yet, I can not ignore these shadows or even force them to go away. Much like my green eyes or my freckled skin, these shadows are a part of me. My insecurities, issues with trust and fear of loss were born from my experiences. Like a mother with her children, I must silently acknowledge these shadows -- practicing containment until the feelings pass or when I have moved into a place of clarity.

I must learn how to dance with these beloved shadows of mine. I must learn how to deal with them when they creep or pounce into my consciousness. Instead of berating myself for even feeling them, I must comfort them as I would a frightened child.

These are not easy tasks. But they are tasks that I am willing to learn so that I might have some peace and love and trust in my life.

So, I surrender to these shadows. It is time to simply be with them.. in silence and with compassion and peace.